Massachusetts Bay Trading Company: Boston Humor

Driving Regulations | Temperature Chart | Red Sox Fan |You Know You're from Boston When…

You Know You're from Boston When…

  • You think of Philadelphia as the Midwest.
  • You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
  • You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no Rs).
  • You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
  • All your pets are named after Red Sox, Patriots or Bruins.
  • You refer to six inches of snow as a "dusting".
  • Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
  • You don't think you have an attitude.
  • You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
  • When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
  • You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series (although it's getting easier).
  • You have no idea what the word compromise means.
  • You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
  • You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
  • You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic and stubborn.
  • You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something or are from out of town.
  • Your favorite adjective is "wicked".
  • You think 63° ocean water is warm.
  • You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.

When we say _____, we mean…

  • Bizah — odd
  • Flahwiz — roses, etc.
  • Hahpahst — minutes after the hour
  • Hahwahya? — how are you?
  • Khakis — what we staht the cah with
  • Pissah — superb
  • Retahded — silly
  • Shewah — of course
  • Wikkid — extremely
  • Yiz — you, plural
  • Popcahn — popular snack

How We Know If You Weren't Bon Heah

  • You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
  • You ask directions to "Cheers".
  • You order a grinder and a soda.
  • You follow soccer.
  • You eat at Durgin Park.
  • You pronounce it "Worchester" or Glouchester".
  • You call it "COPELY" Square.

Boston Definitions

  • Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
  • If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic.
  • Soda is club soda.
  • Pop is Dad.
  • When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
  • The smallest beer is a pint.
  • Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
  • If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod
  • It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
  • It's not a trash can, it's a barrel.
  • It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
  • It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.
  • Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
  • They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.

Things NOT To Do When In Boston

  • Don't call it "Beantown".
  • Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Somerville).
  • Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld once told you.
  • Don't sleep in the Common.
  • Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day.

Things You Should Know

  • There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses and two Hancock buildings (one old, one new).
  • Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93; that is, I-93 South is I-95 North.
  • It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
  • The underground train is not the subway. It's the T and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).

Getting Around

  • Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth.
  • So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.
  • If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill.
  • If they're named after poets you're in Wellesley.
  • All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave., Mass Ave., Dot Ave.
  • Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
  • Readville doesn't exist.

The North-East-South-West Thing

  • Southie is South Boston.
  • The South End is the South End.
  • Eastie is East Boston.
  • The North End is east of the West End.
  • The West End and Scollay Square are no more — a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.
  • The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury.
  • Due north of the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston, which lies directly east from the South End.
  • North of the South End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.
  • Back Bay was filled in years ago.